That place. Embarassed. Sometimes I hate being me.

Again, I traveled down a picturesque road in my head determined to show what I see . I made everyone uncomfortable. I was disrespectful of an opinion, a professional opinion, and was “stuck” in what I was getting at, or hearing, or saying. I could not move from it. I could not really hear all the words you said to help me understand something that was “not” why we were all there. I was rude, apparently…I was angry, and defensive and stubborn and “stuck” again.

I suddenly had this feeling like I had done something wrong, perhaps it was because I myself knew I could not stop, could not think of anything else, was tuned out of outside life then. I always “never say the right thing” and don’t understand what “I should have said.” I just don’t get it…I have this deja vu type feeling-an “inkling” that maybe I went there.

There. Is a place that I frequent (obviously) – determined by the amount of conflict (large and small) that I  run into when interacting with other people and when verbal language is exchanged.  I use any of the words that most relate to something (like a word association) to get some description out of my head. It’s like I use a thousand words going on and on and on trying to get to the centre- the “thing” I’m trying to say and I go in circles around the centre and people get the wrong message. I’m failing, most of the time. There is when I understand that I was either rude, opinionated, arrogant, something or other and I didn’t realize it till after when other things make me understand this. An expression and words from a close person (spouse), a nasty message about how I am, or someone “de-friends” me 😦  I would not know until I felt consequence by some action. Ostracized. Shamed. Shamed for not being how we are “supposed” to be.  It’s like this feeling I possibly did something wrong but can’t “see” me, or “it” ever so I am not quite sure. I wait for the fallout afterwards. I wish it was videotaped so I can learn. I can improve things when I can see how they are supposed to run, operate, go, act…I have to have a visual representation in my head to know where to go.

Again, I am there. I feel embarrassed of how I am or what I am like. Because I would never want to alienate, disrespect, be arrogant. My intentions aren’t to get you mad or frustrated with me but that is often the case. My intentions are because there is something deeper, that is important to me. Why not discuss.I guess it’s because I cannot express myself clearly or think ahead of anything I am about to say. I feel sorry, and shamed. I am there at that place where I am hiding in my room because the looks, comments, experience told to me by a present person helps me understand that whatever I was like, it wasn’t good.Combative, stuck, and as I heard later..”spectrumy” although I’m really unsure of what that means because I can’t see what they saw.

I don’t get it though, I don’t remember it or “get” a lot of it but know that there is that after effect thing of me being me. Sometimes, I just want to be different. To be normal. To not be like this. It’s embarrassing. I feel really bad about myself. I don’t feel sorry because I’m sorry for speaking my thoughts but because I’m sorry because I’m embarrassed if that makes sense…maybe there is something wrong with me. I just don’t want to be like that at all.

I can’t look at the world when I’m embarrassed. Not you, or anyone. Open space, ugh..I feel like the whole world is watching me and I have to hide. So embarrassed to be me. It’s like a mixture of deep sorrow, sadness and embarrassment at same time. Then I’m worn out. I have to retreat into own self and space. Goodbye world, hello mind. Words can’t even make it to my mouth to speak anymore aloud.

 

 

 

Fear of stupid.

Fear of being viewed as stupid.

Acknowledging all these things I can’t do. Well, not consistently. They aren’t “difficult” things. They are more mindless, annoying, and boring things that remind me of cardboard. Flat and uninteresting. Adaptive or independent functioning. Hmmm. I’m not stupid! (I want to yell). I can DO these things just not all together, and not all the time, and not today, and I don’t WANT to do them because they are soooooo boring that I will feel like gauging my eyeballs out if I have to. Well, not that far but you get the idea. And some of it…it’s too hard to keep track of all these little things that I should do. If I have to “think” about it and it not be automatic, then things are hard and difficult.

Routine, established creates music. A flow, a dance in the day. Gently gliding to the next expected thing. But, it is not routine. It is not automatic here. It’s chaos. Internal, and sometimes external. It’s too loud. There is too much movement.

I struggle and say I need help. Not with everything but a “somewhere” to start. I need a bit of a director/leader. Someone to help me start and say hey, let’s map out (brainstorm/mind maps) all the major things going on, or what we have to do and get a good grasp on where we are and what direction to take. I can’t “start” and “organize” enough to get this done from step 1 to step done. I tell my spouse I need this. Not that over there, but this. Please help me. I want to feel I can accomplish something. That I am in control of something. Don’t do all that other stuff, please. Help me feel empowered. But…there is anger and defensiveness. I can’t express what it is that I need, and why and how that is different from just doing things “for” me and giving me “breaks” from our family life, time to myself….

I wish I could print out detailed flash cards of pictures in my mind to show him. That would be so much easier. Flash, flash,flash….then you have enough information to “understand” what I am trying to explain in stupid english words. God, I hated English in school….(yes, English is my first language).

Back to being stupid. It’s my biggest insecurity. I could not express myself, and felt dumb. People thought I was “dumber” (haha) or just shy, or not that smart. I hate that. It’s because I don’t have a need to show off myself and also don’t have the verbal skills to really demonstrate things that I know or understand or see.  I have anxiety over being viewed as stupid. As being “low” and “dumb”….I’m tired of people being condescending…

And lately I have to admit that I can’t do certain things. But, I can…in certain times….I struggle to accept defeat.

 

 

 

This foggy thing in my head

I’m trying to make it out. It’s like gray and foggy but it’s a pattern that I’ve just really noticed and  trying to figure out to what extent I do it.

I have extreme fear, and anger at being centre of attention. In front of a group, a class, intimate moments…I feel like a robot, and awkward, and unsure. I need something to reference in my mind, and cannot be put on the spot…..ever. I have realized that I am okay if I blend in, and can feel that those laser beam eyes aren’t evaluating me (even if they say they aren’t it feels like it). If that pressure and belief is gone (looking at me, watching how I talk, my mannerisms, my awkwardness….) I feel more at ease. To what extent though have I had this anxiety because  of this ? I am now realizing that it’s because then I’m not modeling what I see, can’t read how people are interacting and don’t know how to proceed…

Screenshots. A working copy.

Letters float out of my mouth and out into space

Rising to the top, bursting and disappearing like bubbles

They aren’t describing my pictures

Pictures like screenshots

Quick snapshot pictures

Sometimes layered together quickly

Movie-like

An lengthy novel of feelings and opinions, patterns, and realizations

Exemplified in a series of short screenshots inside

10 seconds in, I’ve read that 500 page novel.

I understand a lot. Feelings, Relations, Circumstances, Errors…

Can’t summarize my screenshots well. How one makes letters to words to feelings to come out -floating from their mouth to someone else’s mind and they understand what you are expressing. Slim.

Using analogies and metaphors, and waving my hands and fingers in the air to draw examples in front of me off to the side to the left. Like right here (drawing diagram).

Trying desperately to not sound crazy.

Back to our..

Difficulties in our communication (together)

My pictures and screenshots layer faster. Your words don’t match my inside flashes, like stills from a movie. I get confused. I’m trying to clarify. Unsuccessfully.

I can no longer look at you. I need to go now.

To look and concentrate on my stills, my screenshot pictures, my simply drawn diagrams that express a multitude of experiences or feelings that add up or get mixed up.

I can no longer be interrupted. Do not touch me. No, do not hug me. No, I’m not needing reassurance. No, I’m not needing affection. Yuck. No, I can’t talk with you, no. Stop looking at me. I’m getting anxiety. I need to run. Away. I need my safe space. Where is my cat. Why don’t I have an area free of things, free of people, free of too many colours and sounds. I can’t express these things. No, you haven’t made me feel bad. I’m having difficulty inside, to get it outside. I don’t get why I can’t be different. My frown on my face is back-deep concentration inside. I don’t see things around me anymore. Was I cooking? I can’t even remember to ask myself this.

Trying to avoid sympathetic overly intense , gone on too long eyes. Stop. Let me do my own thing. Leave me alone. That ticking inside the dryer. Is driving me crazy right now too. Shooting at me like darts.

All I can muster besides slight grunts and sound effects is “I’m FINE”…I know I am not. But, I this is every day. I’m tired of it. I just don’t want to be around humans. No, I’m not crazy, I feel like sometimes they clog my head up with too much information.

Us, people. Too complicated.

Violation

thousands of invaders

inability to control

vulnerability leads to

violation

sounds zap in from all directions

words float across from you mixing up my clear space; confusion

my insides shutter and leap from unexpected sensations

can’t you see the colours of the touch, or overlapping sounds darting in

the panic, alike to an animal realizing it’s another animal’s prey

squirrelling beneath this skin

fuzzy, scratchy, burning irritation

I reiterate personal space

letters and numbers, a faint gray and sometimes edges of black

float round again making up an abstract design: this equals another picture in my mind

below the sea’s surface

deep dark way down

I glance up and see a glimmer of white, waves of motion, ripples

I am lost below

I can hear the muffled words trying to reach me, confusion sets in.

Anger, and reaction. Disconnect. Told appear “cold”

below that ocean, warmth.

Unable to break free, and rise out to the top.

Moments of forceful words escape, biased. My one side

Not understanding yours.

Eloquently said, it is not. I do not believe words come in colours

Feelings, in pictures-unable to describe.

Forceful outside, top of the sea. I rest below.

Focused around the items of interest down here.

Hope for a new ability to connect, but often fail.