Just be different.

What are the messages that you have received throughout your life?

 

A few that reflect my life:

  • Just be different.
  • Just try harder.
  • Just do it .
  • It’s not that hard.
  • It’s not that big of deal.
  • Stop being so loud.
  • Stop scaring me, you are too loud.
  • …….etc etc.

So, I’m going to tell those, and all the people who have minimized my struggles or discounted my feelings (family included) to shove it.

Here are a list of things that I WANT to say but can’t. Or WANT to verbally explain but somehow can’t . They might be easy to write but not to get out in a way that makes sense, and me being in the same space as a person. I can’t do two things at a time (explain, express, and be present with you)

When  you are dealing with someone who might have difficulty with communication whether it be intermittent, or just when there are feelings triggered-keep a few things in mind.

Take sadness, discomfort, extreme happiness, grief, anything really except for “regular” neutral (flat) feelings. Does it appear the person suddenly is not engaging with you? Have they disconnected? I often feel a wash of extreme difficulty and can’t get words to my mouth and out. This doesn’t mean I’m shut off. Things are much more active in my head (a lot of thoughts, connections, patterns, considerations, etc) and just because I’m not engaged doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means the exact opposite often. It means I care terribly, and hurt, or  am upset, or affected, or am experiencing feelings along a more pleasurable level (respect someone, grateful, appreciative, nostalgic, etc).

I feel if people would ask me yes/no/i don’t know questions then there isn’t much “emotion” involved in those answers. I might not be able to manage a “I’m upset right now, and need some processing time, and disconnect from light/noise/people/expectations” but if you ask me if I’m having some feelings, I might be able to say “yes”. I won’t look at you or if you try to get me to stand in front of you while asking me, I won’t answer. I will leave, react angrily, or other and make it so that you stop doing what you are doing to me  . That might mean being in my space, intently looking at me, observing me, gauging what is going on, asking me open ended questions, being reactive/defensive, intruding on my thought process…etc.

Keep a comfortable distance. Ask do you want to be alone? Do you need processing time? I can’t always say yes and no, and sometimes I ignore you and shut it out. But the answers are happening inside my head. It doesn’t go down the right path to my mouth to get “out there.” If you step closer I might turn away more as if to hide. If you step away you might see me calm down a bit. I always feel like it’s like being claustrophobic but of people, of their questions, of their being around me, of noises, of smells, of expectations.

When things affect me I don’t want to gauge how or who I am. I want to process and work through how I know best. It means I want you to drop the expectations of me to be however I am supposed to be (what is the social norm or appropriate) and adapt to me and what I need.  I want space to be myself without feeling bad that I can’t be just like you or others or what is “expected” of me. It causes anxiety. Remove expectations of me to be a certain way or different. As long as you are around me I feel there is an expectation that I have to hold it together, and I will ultimately do things that are displeasing to you. Just let me be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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That place. Embarassed. Sometimes I hate being me.

Again, I traveled down a picturesque road in my head determined to show what I see . I made everyone uncomfortable. I was disrespectful of an opinion, a professional opinion, and was “stuck” in what I was getting at, or hearing, or saying. I could not move from it. I could not really hear all the words you said to help me understand something that was “not” why we were all there. I was rude, apparently…I was angry, and defensive and stubborn and “stuck” again.

I suddenly had this feeling like I had done something wrong, perhaps it was because I myself knew I could not stop, could not think of anything else, was tuned out of outside life then. I always “never say the right thing” and don’t understand what “I should have said.” I just don’t get it…I have this deja vu type feeling-an “inkling” that maybe I went there.

There. Is a place that I frequent (obviously) – determined by the amount of conflict (large and small) that I  run into when interacting with other people and when verbal language is exchanged.  I use any of the words that most relate to something (like a word association) to get some description out of my head. It’s like I use a thousand words going on and on and on trying to get to the centre- the “thing” I’m trying to say and I go in circles around the centre and people get the wrong message. I’m failing, most of the time. There is when I understand that I was either rude, opinionated, arrogant, something or other and I didn’t realize it till after when other things make me understand this. An expression and words from a close person (spouse), a nasty message about how I am, or someone “de-friends” me 😦  I would not know until I felt consequence by some action. Ostracized. Shamed. Shamed for not being how we are “supposed” to be.  It’s like this feeling I possibly did something wrong but can’t “see” me, or “it” ever so I am not quite sure. I wait for the fallout afterwards. I wish it was videotaped so I can learn. I can improve things when I can see how they are supposed to run, operate, go, act…I have to have a visual representation in my head to know where to go.

Again, I am there. I feel embarrassed of how I am or what I am like. Because I would never want to alienate, disrespect, be arrogant. My intentions aren’t to get you mad or frustrated with me but that is often the case. My intentions are because there is something deeper, that is important to me. Why not discuss.I guess it’s because I cannot express myself clearly or think ahead of anything I am about to say. I feel sorry, and shamed. I am there at that place where I am hiding in my room because the looks, comments, experience told to me by a present person helps me understand that whatever I was like, it wasn’t good.Combative, stuck, and as I heard later..”spectrumy” although I’m really unsure of what that means because I can’t see what they saw.

I don’t get it though, I don’t remember it or “get” a lot of it but know that there is that after effect thing of me being me. Sometimes, I just want to be different. To be normal. To not be like this. It’s embarrassing. I feel really bad about myself. I don’t feel sorry because I’m sorry for speaking my thoughts but because I’m sorry because I’m embarrassed if that makes sense…maybe there is something wrong with me. I just don’t want to be like that at all.

I can’t look at the world when I’m embarrassed. Not you, or anyone. Open space, ugh..I feel like the whole world is watching me and I have to hide. So embarrassed to be me. It’s like a mixture of deep sorrow, sadness and embarrassment at same time. Then I’m worn out. I have to retreat into own self and space. Goodbye world, hello mind. Words can’t even make it to my mouth to speak anymore aloud.

 

 

 

Fear of stupid.

Fear of being viewed as stupid.

Acknowledging all these things I can’t do. Well, not consistently. They aren’t “difficult” things. They are more mindless, annoying, and boring things that remind me of cardboard. Flat and uninteresting. Adaptive or independent functioning. Hmmm. I’m not stupid! (I want to yell). I can DO these things just not all together, and not all the time, and not today, and I don’t WANT to do them because they are soooooo boring that I will feel like gauging my eyeballs out if I have to. Well, not that far but you get the idea. And some of it…it’s too hard to keep track of all these little things that I should do. If I have to “think” about it and it not be automatic, then things are hard and difficult.

Routine, established creates music. A flow, a dance in the day. Gently gliding to the next expected thing. But, it is not routine. It is not automatic here. It’s chaos. Internal, and sometimes external. It’s too loud. There is too much movement.

I struggle and say I need help. Not with everything but a “somewhere” to start. I need a bit of a director/leader. Someone to help me start and say hey, let’s map out (brainstorm/mind maps) all the major things going on, or what we have to do and get a good grasp on where we are and what direction to take. I can’t “start” and “organize” enough to get this done from step 1 to step done. I tell my spouse I need this. Not that over there, but this. Please help me. I want to feel I can accomplish something. That I am in control of something. Don’t do all that other stuff, please. Help me feel empowered. But…there is anger and defensiveness. I can’t express what it is that I need, and why and how that is different from just doing things “for” me and giving me “breaks” from our family life, time to myself….

I wish I could print out detailed flash cards of pictures in my mind to show him. That would be so much easier. Flash, flash,flash….then you have enough information to “understand” what I am trying to explain in stupid english words. God, I hated English in school….(yes, English is my first language).

Back to being stupid. It’s my biggest insecurity. I could not express myself, and felt dumb. People thought I was “dumber” (haha) or just shy, or not that smart. I hate that. It’s because I don’t have a need to show off myself and also don’t have the verbal skills to really demonstrate things that I know or understand or see.  I have anxiety over being viewed as stupid. As being “low” and “dumb”….I’m tired of people being condescending…

And lately I have to admit that I can’t do certain things. But, I can…in certain times….I struggle to accept defeat.

 

 

 

This foggy thing in my head

I’m trying to make it out. It’s like gray and foggy but it’s a pattern that I’ve just really noticed and  trying to figure out to what extent I do it.

I have extreme fear, and anger at being centre of attention. In front of a group, a class, intimate moments…I feel like a robot, and awkward, and unsure. I need something to reference in my mind, and cannot be put on the spot…..ever. I have realized that I am okay if I blend in, and can feel that those laser beam eyes aren’t evaluating me (even if they say they aren’t it feels like it). If that pressure and belief is gone (looking at me, watching how I talk, my mannerisms, my awkwardness….) I feel more at ease. To what extent though have I had this anxiety because  of this ? I am now realizing that it’s because then I’m not modeling what I see, can’t read how people are interacting and don’t know how to proceed…