I wanted to be.

Reflecting on my life so far there is a lot of “wanted to” (be, take, complete, experience, do….) There is a lot of “didn’t do” and much of it was due to my inability to have a consistent attention span and persistent interest in what it was that I wanted. Normally it becomes boring or I learned as much as I wanted, and then I moved on. Or I experienced troublesome adjustment issues due to change (deaths, job change, conflict with people, moving, relationships) and experienced severe feelings of loss, or anxiety, and depression.

I was thinking today how I cannot.stop.thinking. I can’t let go until every single question I have is answered about something. Until I have this sort of visual in my head of understanding or any concern or question or interest in knowing something is fulfilled. I’m not satisfied easily. I will research everything until I know it well. But, only in things that I find interesting to learn, to prove, to analyze, to compare, to understand. It’s a pro/con in my life that I can’t escape. It provides pleasure (I like doing “it” -learning) but I can’t stop and it can be a detriment to my relationships with my family, so called friends (that I never speak with) and my spouse. I struggle with coming out of it-that feeling where I am so deep somewhere absorbed in this…it’s narrow, it’s a place of all these things that become my “present” and real life sort of becomes quiet and falls to the sides….sometimes if there is a timer set (I frequently use them now) I am alerted and startle out of my state and realize shoot, I forgot to do life…to eat, get ready, to get out of the house. But I don’t really want to do those things anyhow. I want to do “my” things.

There were always signs of “me” that seem so obvious now that I am older and more understanding of autism.


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