This foggy thing in my head

I’m trying to make it out. It’s like gray and foggy but it’s a pattern that I’ve just really noticed and  trying to figure out to what extent I do it.

I have extreme fear, and anger at being centre of attention. In front of a group, a class, intimate moments…I feel like a robot, and awkward, and unsure. I need something to reference in my mind, and cannot be put on the spot…..ever. I have realized that I am okay if I blend in, and can feel that those laser beam eyes aren’t evaluating me (even if they say they aren’t it feels like it). If that pressure and belief is gone (looking at me, watching how I talk, my mannerisms, my awkwardness….) I feel more at ease. To what extent though have I had this anxiety because  of this ? I am now realizing that it’s because then I’m not modeling what I see, can’t read how people are interacting and don’t know how to proceed…

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