The chicken or the egg.

In the past I thought it was inattention, or what I call “scattered” brain. AKA “I can’t think…” (a common spoken phrase).

Whether it’s a fairly new friend, or someone I haven’t seen in awhile, or someone I am meeting for the first time, or the Doctor, or someone in my space (home) for some reason….I have always been like this : I end up moving about, hard to make small talk, don’t look at the person much, appear busy or thinking about something, can’t maintain intense face contact/eye contact. What I realized is that I used to think it was my “nerves” (anxiety) that caused that behaviour but suddenly it’s becoming clear that it’s not, and the anxiety is because I am doing “this stuff” and I can’t “not” be like me, and it’s what makes me feel weird, disconnected, like a non-human robot type person without a nice “flow” to conversing. Is it the newness and nerves that cause the lack of being able to connect with small talk etc? I hate it. I WANT that, to feel like what I see other people do and see on tv shows etc. But, I can’t. And I feel “squirrely” about it, then I get nerves because I know it’s happening and I feel someone is going to pick up on it. My saying is “being weird.” I have self-esteem issues pertaining to (or an internalized thing) feeling “weird” and people noticing it.

I have always had anxiety. I have always had mass quick processing but slow verbal output or ability to show those “smarts” (or knowledge for example). I think a huge amount in patterns, pictures, diagrams, stills from a movie scene (like). Summing up a bunch of things that I recognize as pictures (say an uncomfortable meeting, shyness, etc) but can’t quite eloquently describe what I see/feeling.

So, I am wondering: did the anxiety response come after I experience or interpret things in a certain way? I , possibly naively thought that nerves and anxiety just “happened” with me and that the end result was my “weird” stuff. But, I have moments where I am not feeling like that inside. It takes a lot, trust wise. I can’t quite put my finger on it but it’s something that I have only just noticed and realize I have always done this but surprised I didn’t realize that anxiety  is the response of something else…maybe I’m just overly confusing and scattered today.

One of the things that it resembles is my huge phobia of people focusing on me, paying attention, analyzing me, watching me. If I think I am being evaluated, performance-wise or other…I have an intense block.  I can’t speak in front of people, I have hard time in groups but often, better in  a small group because I can sense other people’s nerves or things like that and not all the focus is on me. I have serious issues with compliments, and am considered quite modest. Not conservative, mind you but modest. I don’t liek any attention to me except for some small things that my partner pays to me, but as long as it’s not too much, and when I have moments that I need a particular type of closeness (not too touchy, but lean, and relaxing, no expectations). As soon as I sense a change in expectation, normal with relationships-I get this huge block. Like, I’m that weird robot person not sure how to act right now. If I don’t know what to expect, say in a group or meeting or something-I cannot go. I don’t know how to act, talk, be. The funny thing is that I never considered myself to be one that took on other people’s personalities. I don’t. I have  a distinct “me” personality. It’s more like trying to connect and be part of like other people, sensation? Like adjust and adapt a bit of what I can, and if not-I have to run. (bolt) and not be there, or not have too much.

I get this funny picture in my head. Like the chicken or the egg saying. Which came first? Is this me, and my anxieties, behaviours come as a result of “me” or is it anxieties, and inattention, distractibility that are there first and cause “me” as a result. Hmmm. Maybe writing it out makes it sound like I’m crazy. Another such issue with describing these feeling picture things.

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